ReActivate

Jul. 26th, 2017 01:03 am
sonochesono: (TPATF: Fray)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I'm not sure how far I am through the ReActivate course (textbook.) A lot of it I remember. Some of it I need to review. Some things I need to review a lot.

I'm excited at the idea of becoming involved in the local dive community. I only hope I can start getting involved in 5k runs, as well. The main problem with running is that finding the time to train with two jobs is hard.




Learning about codependency has been really hard. I feel weary. I think of things I've tried to control so long and have finally stopped trying to control them. I think of all the ways I've let myself be a doormat over the years. I hurt over people I lost - either because I pushed them and hurt them, or because I imagined we were closer and more intimate than we were and opened up too hard and too fast.

I've cried a lot the last week. It hasn't all been bad. There's been a lot of thinking about the ways I isolated myself, the way I pushed people away, all the ways I became a husk and tried to fill my identity by attaching myself to another person. People I hurt specifically because I wanted to make sure they were never in my life again. People I've neglected because I was so worried what they thought of me. That stuff hasn't been pleasant. Of those things, the most harrowing has been Memo, because Memo really never did anything really wrong. It just sucked that he found his soulmate when he did.

There's been a lot of confusion - a lot of attempted thought as to who I am, what I like. That feeling, the feeling of being empty or blank. It's a sign of depression and codependency. Undeveloped or neglected self. If I don't know, it's a chance to look for experiences.

I cut a lot of people from FaceBook, and plan to cut more. If we don't talk or hang out, we're not friends, and I don't want to pretend to be friends with people. I want to work on being the person I am.




Some people at work are really mad that I went skydiving without inviting them. It's really funny, because I kept inviting people skydiving over the last year. And people keep making excuses for why they couldn't go.

And a lot of these people don't invite me anywhere. Or they bail. They don't invite me to parties, they don't invite me clubbing, they bail on running or hiking.

And I was just thinking, you know what? Why don't you just get back to me on that when you think about how I've felt, the past year, the past two years... When you go around inviting people to parties while I'm standing right there and you don't invite me out. Or when you all are going to Knott's Berry Farm without me. Or even just dropping by Barnes & Noble.

Maybe it's not gracious, but no one earned any grace from me there. It hurts. It hurts to see everyone out and having fun all the time without giving me any chance to participate. It hurts to be generous and give my all and try to be genuinely nice to everyone, and then no one wants to hang out unless it's a huge event like skydiving. It hurt when Jordan bailed on Irish nachos or hiking, or flaked on sending his schedule - and then finding out he was going to parties with co-workers or see him running through to get alcohol to go drinking with other people. It hurt to see Amanda and Sam hanging out on FaceBook, and Sam not stopping by to say hi to me at all. What'd I ever do to Sam?

So screw 'em. My plan is to keep exploring my own mind this year. See what I like. See what makes me tick. I was thinking about starting a vlog, maybe? Based on the idea of doing things solo. And maybe I'll do group outings as well. But I think doing things by myself or with strangers and acquaintances (e.g. clubs) will be important.

And I don't feel like going skydiving with people who can't be bothered to invite me out to a party or make it for a job. I don't feel like going on adventures with people who can't bother to text me, or constantly bail on planned outings.

It's not something I want to do. I want people in my life. But I want people that are in my life for the mundane and the adventurous. I don't want to make my life about getting people together for the huge stuff and no support for the small things.

So I won't.

ReActivate

Jul. 25th, 2017 03:09 pm
sonochesono: The Rachel Maddow Show (Political: Rachel Maddow Show Sign)
[personal profile] sonochesono
The PADI ReActivate course is (currently) really common-sense. Then I just have to go by the dive shop I made my 'home' dive shop and see about getting dives set up with a Master Diver.

My thought is I'll 'ReActivate' all my past certifications first, then see if I can knock them all out in the same few dives. (I only had three.) Then I'll start getting involved with the dive clubs in Orange County.

Then after that I want to start doing specialty courses - especially wreck diver and cavern diver. But I'll probably focus on a few of the easier ones first, e.g. Underwater photography.




The flight school responded to tell me they don't sell dollar-value gift certificates online but if I visit them I can get a dollar-value gift certificate there. So what I'll do is go down there to do a tandem flight, and each time I do, I'll have $200-$400 to put on a gift certificate toward the P1 + P2 certification combo.




I was thinking about trying to apologize to Jordan and telling him he really doesn't need to avoid me at work. Like, my feelings will recover (I think they would have already if it hadn't been his avoidance at work.)

But I'd already told him that. So instead I guess I'll just try to practice MYOB: Mind Your Own Business. Eventually he'll either stop avoiding me, or one of us won't work in the shopping center anymore.




In the meantime... Time to go to work.

Family Drama

Jul. 23rd, 2017 02:29 pm
sonochesono: (DP: You and I (Sam to Danny))
[personal profile] sonochesono
Kevin, "Can you take me to Target?"
Me, "Okay, let's go now so I can sleep before my night shift."
Me, "Hey can you hide your [pot]? It's poisonous to cats."
Kevin, "No it's not."
Me, "Yes it is, you can look it up online."
Kevin, "Never mind, I don't even wanna go to CostCo and Target. I don't want to deal with the stress. I don't need this third degree."
Me, "I wasn't giving you the third degree, I was asking you to keep the pot--"
Kevin, "NEVER MIND."



Thirty Minutes Later After I've Come Home




Kevin, "Mind taking me to the gas station?"
Me, "You asked me to take you to Target. I agreed, and you changed your mind. I'm sorry you're stressed out, but I'm home now and planning to sleep before work."

And... Now he's screaming at everyone and throwing stuff. But maybe he'll realize this constant yanking on my chain is inappropriate. I'm not sure how much this works when the drug/alcohol abuser you're dealing with someone who ALSO has a personality and mood disorder.

He doesn't get it. We don't want him gone. We want him to get help. But letting his mood swings dictate all our decisions is not a solution.

In the 'getting out of this living situation' - since paying half the rent didn't work in giving me a better say in my living situation and Dad still forced us to let Kevin move back in - I'm thinking I could try moving to Anaheim? There's an ROP nursing program there, I wouldn't have to quit any job, and it's a good halfway point to Long Beach, too, which is where the CNA courses are hosted.

Room-searching scares me though. Lots of creepy advertisements. Then again, it can't be that much worse than living with my brother. Except the ads looking to rent a room 'for free' in exchange for being an 'FWB.'

Like... I know most men are not disgusting, most people are generally good (or at least well-intentioned), etc.

But there are some doozies when you're looking at ads searching for roommates.

Thoughts

Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:14 am
sonochesono: (TPATF: Ambitious)
[personal profile] sonochesono
So I was looking at bungee jumping tomorrow, or paragliding, but then I decided I didn't want to do things that would take hours of my day and make me tired for work that night.

Which is too bad, because it was so tempting.

Instead I'm going to try to go rock climbing tomorrow, and study up the certifications I'm 'ReActivating.'

I'd like to work on backpacking too. I was thinking I could start getting the gear, going to one of the local campsites on the weekend, and practice basics. Then I could do trips when I feel comfortable with the gear and believe I can make it a few days without running back to town.

Skydive SCUBA dive

Jul. 21st, 2017 04:35 pm
sonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I am literally taking the SCUBA refresher WHILE waiting to be suited up to skydive. #multitasking

Skydiving!!!

Jul. 20th, 2017 04:49 pm
sonochesono: (Avatar TLA: Toph Escatic)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I booked a skydiving trip for tomorrow!!

I'd been waiting to go in Monterey (world's highest tandem dive) but I'll try later in the year.

I'm also thinking about surfing lessons. I'd been wanting to a while. But I have two days off this week.

Then I'm also trying to figure out where I want to take photos this weekend.
steorra: Illumination of the Latin words In Principio erat verbum (books)
[personal profile] steorra
'We hear a great deal about the rudeness of the rising generation. I am an oldster myself and might be expected to take the oldsters' side, but in fact I have been far more impressed by the bad manners of parents to children than by those of children to parents. Who has not been the embarrassed guest at family meals where the father or mother treated their grown-up offspring with an incivility which, offered to any other young people, would simply have terminated the acquaintance? Dogmatic assertions on matters which the children understand and their elders don't, ruthless interruptions, flat contradictions, ridicule of things the young take seriously--sometimes of their religion--insulting references to their friends, all provide an easy answer to the question "Why are they always out? Why do they like every house better than their home?" Who does not prefer civility to barbarism?

If you asked any of these insufferable people--they are not all parents of course--why they behaved that way at home, they would reply, "Oh, hang it all, one comes home to relax. A chap can't be always on his best behaviour. If a man can't be himself in his own house, where can he? Of course we don't want Company Manners at home. We're a happy family. We can say anything to one another here. No one minds. We all understand."

Once again it is so nearly true yet so fatally wrong. Affection is an affair of old clothes, and ease, of the unguarded moment, of liberties which would be ill-bred if we took them with strangers. But old clothes are one thing; to wear the same shirt till it stank would be another. There are proper clothes for a garden party; but the clothes for home must be proper too, in their own different way. Similarly there is a distinction between public and domestic courtesy. The root principle of both is the same: "that no one give any kind of preference to himself." But the more public the occasion, the more our obedience to this principle has been "taped" or formalised. There are "rules" of good manners. The more intimate the occasion, the less the formalisation; but not therefore the less need of courtesy. On the contrary, Affection at its best practises a courtesy which is incomparably more subtle, sensitive, and deep than the public kind. In public a ritual would do. At home you must have the reality which that ritual represented, or else the deafening triumphs of the greatest egoist present. You must really give no kind of preference to yourself; at a party it is enough to conceal the preference. Hence the old proverb "come live with me and you'll know me". Hence a man's familiar manners first reveal the true value of his (significantly odious phrase!) "Company" or "Party" manners. Those who leave their manners behind them when they come home from the dance or the sherry party have no real courtesy even there. They were merely aping those who had.

"We can say anything to one another." The truth behind this is that Affection at its best can say whatever Affection at its best wishes to say, regardless of the rules that govern public courtesy; for Affection at its best wishes neither to wound nor to humiliate nor to domineer. You may address the wife of your bosom as "Pig!" when she has inadvertently drunk your cocktail as well as her own. You may roar down the story which your father is telling once too often. You may tease and hoax and banter. You can say "Shut up. I want to read". You can do anything in the right tone and at the right moment--the tone and moment which are not intended to, and will not, hurt. The better the Affection the more unerringly it knows which these are (every love has its art of love). But the domestic Rudesby means something quite different when he claims liberty to say "anything". Having a very imperfect sort of Affection himself, or perhaps at that moment none, he arrogates to himself the beautiful liberties which only the fullest Affection has a right to or knows how to manage. He then uses them spitefully in obedience to his resentments; or ruthlessly in obedience to his egoism; or at best stupidly, lacking the art. And all the time he may have a clear conscience. He knows that Affection takes liberties. He is taking liberties. Therefore (he concludes) he is being affectionate. Resent anything and he will say that the defect of love is on your side. He is hurt. He has been misunderstood.

He then sometimes avenges himself by getting on his high horse and becoming elaborately "polite". The implication is of course, "Oh! So we are not to be intimate? We are to behave like mere acquaintances? I had hoped--but no matter. Have it your own way." This illustrates prettily the difference between intimate and formal courtesy. Precisely what suits the one may be a breach of the other. To be free and easy when you are presented to some eminent stranger is bad manners; to practice formal and ceremonial courtesies at home ("public faces in private places") is--and is always intended to be--bad manners. There is a delicious illustration of really good domestic manners in Tristram Shandy. At a singularly unsuitable moment Uncle Toby has been holding forth on his favourite theme of fortification. "My Father," driven for once beyond endurance, violently interrupts. Then he sees his brother's face; the utterly unretaliating face of Toby, deeply wounded, not by the slight to himself--he would never think of that--but by the slight to the noble art. My Father at once repents. There is an apology, a total reconciliation. Uncle Toby, to show how complete is his forgiveness, to show that he is not on his dignity, resumes the lecture on fortification.'

(From The Four Loves, by C. S. Lewis. Chapter 3: Affection.)

On Memo and Guillermo del Toro

Jul. 16th, 2017 10:01 am
sonochesono: (Candy: Cadbury Mini Eggs)
[personal profile] sonochesono
So because of the Memory Lane trip Guillermo del Toro sent me on, I tried to look up Memo and see if he ended up marrying Andrea, or if they got engaged.

(Memo was always on a deadline to get married by the time he was twenty-eight, so I wanted to see if he was 'on schedule.')

I didn't see anything definitive. I hope they did, but on the other hand, I have a feeling if he got married he would blast wedding photos all over his FaceBook page and it would be in his status and in fact I probably would have somehow heard it even though there's literally no one we have mutual contact with anymore.

I might have to message him about this Guillermo del Toro thing. I don't think that would offend his sensibilities, lol. It's been a long time, but we never technically ended on bad terms. I just was honest and said hey, I don't think I can be friends with you right now.

John 3:16 ad

Jul. 15th, 2017 10:57 pm
steorra: A cross that looks like a star, or vice versa. (christianity)
[personal profile] steorra
On my way to work today I saw a bus stop ad that had the text of John 3:16, the verse reference, and the name/website of a church on it.

As church/Christian ads go, it's pretty good. (Much better than the one I used to see in Columbus that really bothered me. It had a bible reference - probably the 10 commandments - and the text "What part of 'Thou shalt not' did you not understand?" Really, is that the message you want to send people about God and Christianity?)

And I found myself thinking that treating John 3:16 as a key summary verse is very Protestant. Partly the focus on belief (not that belief is insignificant if you're Orthodox, but it's different), and partly the "God gave his Son" which seems to imply more emphasis on Christ's suffering/death than on his resurrection. (Again, not that the suffering and death are insignificant if you're Orthodox, but the emphasis is different.)

I'm not sure off the top of my head what one verse I would pick as an Orthodox summary verse. Partly I think Orthodoxy is less favourable to "use a verse to sum things up" than Protestantism is - so that even having a "quintessential verse" is a rather Protestant thing to do. But putting that aside, I think a better Orthodox summary verse could probably be found.

The Strain - Guillemero Del Toro

Jul. 14th, 2017 10:02 pm
sonochesono: (Cats: Jack Yawn)
[personal profile] sonochesono
My brother introduced me to The Strain, an FX show. I'm going to avoid binge-watching it. But what I found interesting about it is that it's actually a show we both love, which is an unusual phenomenon. It was created by Guillermo del Toro, which is probably why.

Guillermo del Toro really makes me think of Memo. I think that was one of his biggest role models. But I like it regardless. Just, it has that little extra bit.

Last week I finally bought eczema lotion for my hands. They're not fully back to normal, but they're distinctively less lizard-looking. I have to be really on top of it though. This weather really brings it out.

Tomorrow I'm going to try an Al-Anon group. I'm not really sure what will become of it. I mean, yes, I live with an alcoholic, drug addicted person with a mood and personality disorder (who is in a mutually codependent relationship with another drug addict.)

I live with a person trying to protect, control, and change said person who has become codependent (if he wasn't already. I think he's been that way for as long as I can remember.)

And I've realized this is messing me up.

I know I need to get out, but it's not as easy as 1-2-3. There's the lease (through March). That's my deadline for getting some entry vocational skills and unloading any previous debt. I don't need to be making enough money to live 100% on my own without roommates next year. I just need to be on a career track.
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